So much is happening right now, and I can’t wrap my brain around any of it. In the midst of my recent good job fortune are several pieces of sad and, in at least one case, completely heartbreaking news.
I want to be happy about my grant. I want to be excited about the job prospects that have become available. But guilt from a completely unexpected source (recently finding out a good friend and colleague is leaving research due to lack of funding) is making celebration nearly impossible.
I’m also finding it incredibly difficult to focus at work. Bench work isn’t so bad, but only because my project requires very little brainpower. When I dive into the literature, however, twenty million things that are going or could go wrong eventually take over.
I’m nervous about falling on my face on the interviews. I’m scared the only job offers I’ll get are ones where Hubby won’t find a job. I’m afraid we won’t be able to sell our condo.
Not to mention I think I’m getting a cold sore. But I’ve never had cold sores before. Maybe I just bit my lip during my sleep. Not surprising, considering I tend to grind my teeth when I’m stressed.
And then there’s the fact that all of this feels trite in the shadow of tragedy. There are times when all I can do is stare at pictures of Monkey and Hubby, and all I want to do is leave work to cuddle with them both.
I really need to get my head screwed on tight and buckle down. There are only two things I have control over – my preparation for interviews, and time spent with my family. I just wish I could get my mind off all the things I can’t control.