There’s the wall

I finally hit it. I have no energy, no motivation, no great ideas. This fucking cold is NOT letting up, but instead getting worse. I have no idea where my career is going. My experiments this week have been a joke. NOTHING is moving forward. In fact, I’m pretty damn sure I’ve taken 10 huge steps ass backward this week.

When I walked in the department door this morning, I was surrounded by interviewing wannabe n00b grad students – all dressed up in their finest, looking soooo excited about the cool science that’s going on around here. I couldn’t even look them in the eye. Science sucks right now.

A review that I started writing a year ago is open on my desktop. I worked on it a little during my maternity leave, but it’s still looking pretty bare-boned. I spent some time this morning sifting through recent reports that should be included. Maybe it’s time to pick this thing back up and move it forward full throttle. There’s some cool stuff in those reports, and I need inspiration.

So I’m headed home with a stack of papers and my laptop, looking forward to the cold medicine that awaits me. No wannabe n00bs, no babies, no Hubby, and no life to distract me for a few hours while I attempt to re-ignite my passion for this job. I bet the cold medicine will make for some good writing ju-ju. I just need to make it back out the door…

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7 thoughts on “There’s the wall

  1. I totally feel your pain. I feel like i drift into this state every three months or so since having mini-xx. On the one hand everything seems to have a new urgency, on the other hand things don't seem as important as they once were. The confusing part is that these “things” are the same even though they fall in two completely different categories. This confusion makes my tolerance for frustrations, particularly those arising from work, insanely low. I hope you can get some time to regroup and feel better.

  2. On the one hand everything seems to have a new urgency, on the other hand things don't seem as important as they once were.

    That's the most accurate statement I've heard describing our situation…couldn't have said it better.

  3. It's tough when everything hits you at once, AND you're sick on top of it. I hope you made some progress on your paper and that next week is better!

  4. it took me a full 2 years to feel productive, and 3 yrs to really feel on top of it again. We did have some health issue that didn't get sorted out for a while, but I think my time line is pretty common. I was just glad to be in grad school and not in a tenure-track position at the time.

    It really became apparent why there is a leaky pipe for women in science and academia! it's something that you never really understand till you're in the thick of it all.

  5. Wow, I don't know if this is making me feel better or worse!?! I guess it never occurred to me that having a baby would actually make me less interested in science. I knew my productivity would take a hit, but love of my project? Never would I have believed this.

  6. I don't know if you will lose your interest in science or your love for you project, necessarily. It just may not be your first love for a while, and it will seem more like work than it did before. As you son gets older and less needy (and time consuming), there will be more room for loving science.

    At least, that's how it worked for me.

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