I thought lab work would help, and it did for a little while, but then I had to come back home. I thought Christmas would help, but it just caused a lot more stress and made me miss my family and old life even more. I thought getting the Monkey to sleep better would help, but it’s obvious this will be a more long-term battle, which I just can’t wait to win. I thought getting more sleep would help, but Hubby taking over night feedings so that I can get enough REM sleep hasn’t made a dent.
I’m not in the mood to write these days, at least not about career-related stuff, and I don’t really care to write about the Monkey much either. I’m not in the mood to do anything, except go back to work and hide from my new job as a mom. It’s finally become obvious to me that I’m dealing with postpartum depression – the crying throughout the day, everyday; the inability to sleep without Benedryl; the anxiety about every move I make; the thought that Monkey would be better with any mother besides me; other things that I just can’t/don’t want to talk about here.
I’m about to start seeing a therapist, as soon as one that I’ve contacted comes back from their holiday vacation. And Hubby finally took it upon himself to make an appointment with my primary care physician to talk. This was completely against my wishes, but probably very necessary. In the meantime, I’ll be going on a writing hiatus for a little while. I have no idea how long, but I don’t want the (self-imposed) pressure to blog to be something else I’m feeling guilty about. The idea that I am so completely miserable being a mom is enough guilt to deal with these days.
I’m sure I’ll be back around here or the Tightrope at some point. Until then, I’m planning to continue to lurk/comment on others’ blogs…these have provided quite the distraction for me when all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and hide. See you all on the other side.