Feeling way off-balance

Spinning…that’s what my mind is doing these days. In spite of the fact that I’m now in my third trimester and starting to get pretty damn uncomfortable, I’m full of energy. I also have 20-million things to do, and it’s all combining to create quite the stressed-out Dr. O. Between doctors appointments, 3-hour childbirth classes once a week, church choir practice once a week, prenatal yoga classes when I can make it, interviewing pediatricians, postdoc association commitments (until the end of October when I’m officially leaving that behind), and generally trying to keep up with my lab work-load so that I have a manuscript to write while on maternity leave…I feel completely overwhelmed.

I know I need to let something give, but it’s hard to say what can be dropped. I’ve already cut back on my postdoc assoc load and only have a couple of duties left, to which I previously committed and can’t really dump on somebody else. The childbirth classes are a must, although I’m beginning to think I may need drop my unmedicated childbirth class in October for my own sanity. Church choir, while a little tiresome, provides fellowship and a nice escape from the stress, so I don’t really want to give it up. I need the yoga for stress relief, but that seems to be what’s been neglected the most. And I can’t just stop working in the midst of everything else happening…I don’t have enough leave available. I just don’t know what I should take the axe to first.

To top it all off, I just got my results back from last week’s one-hour glucose test, meant to screen for gestational diabetes…and it came back a little high. I don’t know how common this is and how likely this will translate to actually having gestational diabetes, but it’s got me scared shitless for several reasons:

1. I have the 3 hour fasting glucose test tomorrow, which consists of fasting for 12 hours, drinking a wonderful glucose solution tomorrow morning at the lab, then sitting there for 3 hours while they continually draw blood to track my blood sugar. That’s 15 hours of no eating. I’m horrid enough when I go just a few hours without eating – how’s my poor Hubby going to deal with this one? Not to mention all the blood they’ll be taking for this damned thing. I’m just sure I’m going to have an actual melt-down right there at the doctor’s office.

2. Tomorrow’s test pretty much wipes out a day of work, leading to a very unproductive week of work since my current experiments require a day of set-up and three continual full days of work. I just don’t feel like I can afford the time away right now, especially when I already feel like I’m constantly playing catch-up.

3. Finally, there’s the fear that this test will actually show that I’m diabetic. If it does, I don’t know how I’m going to add on the extra task of tracking my blood glucose for the next two and a half months. I know it’s necessary for me and my baby’s health, but I just feel like this is one more thing to add on to an already impossibly busy schedule.

With this newest realization, I feel like I’ve failed somehow…myself, and my baby. I’ve tried my best to do everything I can to stay healthy the past six and a half months, as well as before I even got pregnant. I’ve eaten relatively well, denying most of my not-so-good cravings (no midnight ice cream trips for Hubby). I’ve continued to run (well, jog now) and take the stairs at home and work throughout the pregnancy. My blood pressure is still low, and my weight gain has been normal. I’m doing all that I’m supposed to, but I can’t shake the idea that I’m failing as a mom already. If I can’t handle balancing everything right now, how the hell am I going to handle it when the Monkey arrives?

The doctors keep telling me I need to eliminate stress and relax, especially with the more irritable contractions I was having a few weeks ago. But how do I cut out stress when I already feel like I’ve cut back too much? Not to mention when the doctors are the ones adding onto the stress level with all their tests?**

**I’m sure I’m adding on stress myself…aware of it and working on it…any great ideas?

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One thought on “Feeling way off-balance

  1. Hang in there! You are doing a great job balancing as much as you can. I know it's hard to relax and let go, but you can do it! Parenthood is one gigantic balancing act. None of us really thinks we can do it, but somehow our species survives 🙂 My best tip for a new mom is don't waste your time feeling guilty about things you can't control. It's not productive and it will just send you into a tailspin. You are doing the best you can. BTW, song is good for the soul so don't worry about keeping up with that commitment.

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