When I saw the topic for this month’s Scientiae Carnival – Bumps and Humps – I couldn’t resist using my contribution for an announcement. So if you’ll indulge me…
Hubby and I are expecting!!!! As of this morning, I am ten weeks pregnant, exhausted, nauseous, and a complete emotional wreck. So all signs indicate that this pregnancy is moving along quite well, and my tummy will be developing its own little “bump” in the next few weeks. 🙂 Our breath was taken away just 3 weeks ago when we heard our little one’s heartbeat for the first time. Since then, we’ve been gradually telling immediately family and close friends, two of which are already planning a baby shower. And, this past week, I finally let myself start looking online at nursery items – I can’t believe how much stuff is out there!
Along with all the excitement, my soon-to-be belly bump has, not surprisingly, introduced a few new bumps in the road – the biggest being my struggle to let go of the fear that this pregnancy may not last. We lost our first pregnancy just after Christmas, and every little tinge, pull or cramp during the past six weeks has sent me into a tailspin of panic. For fear that I might get hurt again, I’ve barely let myself get excited the past six weeks. This is supposedly common with women/couples who’ve experienced a pregnancy loss – a sort of fall from innocence that accompanies a pregnancy after miscarriage. Gratefully, this last week has brought with it a new sense of peace and calm – a welcome change from the past month’s anxiety!
Another bump in the road is how this little one growing inside of me
will affect is already affecting my life – especially at work. I’m currently searching for TT faculty positions, re-applying for a K grant, and generally trying to keep my competitive edge in the lab. While I knew the work-life balancing act would get more difficult once having a child, the prospect of a baby has become so much more foreboding while trying to “do it all” through nausea, exhaustion and mood swings. If I think the first trimester has been hard, what about after the baby comes? I’m so scared that I’m going to fail miserably at something – either being a mother, or starting a lab. Or worse, **gulp**, both. And the biggest fear of all – will I love my baby as much as I should? Or will I resent this wonderful new life for taking away so much of my freedom?
All of this worrying reminds me of a quote from Arlenna‘s friend, which she shared on my blog a couple of months ago: “Basically, I realized one day that I would never, ever not be mortally worried about SOMETHING ever again.” Truer words have never been spoken. And, with the support of mommy-friends, my own mom, and my wonderful husband, I’m gradually realizing that all these fears are normal. So for now, I’m taking things day by day, trying to keep the coming bump and myself nourished through nausea, struggling to relax in the midst of anxiety, and expecting a new little adventure that will change our lives forever!