Some days, I just want to crawl under my desk and cry

I hate my job.

Yesterday I loved it. I found a really cool paper that related to my work, and it gave me a couple of great new ideas on how to attack my own research. I got a great deal on a quote for some equipment that I need to order. A colleague referred a great set of hands for my new lab. I got my first grant application out the door. Yesterday was a good day.

Today is different. I can’t get some problems with my first huge lab order addressed. I’m fighting HR on a hiring issue that shouldn’t even be an issue. With all the little fires that keep sparking, I can’t figure out how for the life of me I’ll ever get enough data for an R01 without hiring somebody. And Monkey is having a terrible time adjusting to his new daycare, which means I’m starting every day with the vivid memory of a screaming, tear-soaked toddler hanging off of my leg. I get the feeling that I shouldn’t be here. I REALLY shouldn’t be here.

I think there’s a blog carnival (or was) going on about this kind of thing. I haven’t written about it up to now, because I didn’t feel qualified to share. Yep, we’re talking about a serious case of impostor syndrome, and at this moment, I’m having trouble finding enough “fuck you” in me to get my big girl pants pulled back up and move on.

So I’m going to hide out under my desk for a short while, cuddled up in the fetal position with a bowl of Lindt and Ghirardelli chocolates. After which I have to go be social with some colleagues and pretend like everything is going fine. Fake it ’til you make it, right?

I know it will get better, but today really sucks.